Rewrite

I think it's funnier this way:

A slap contest is always a good idea after drinking with your pals. Remember how your friends Goofus and Gallant behave:

- Goofus challenges his fat friend to a slap contest.
- Gallant let's the little guy go first.
- Goofus mocks his opponent before slapping him.
- Gallant checks to make sure his back swing is clear.
- Goofus smiles smugly after slapping his friend.
- Gallant stages empty beer cases for his friend's head to gently rest upon...after he knocks the fucking shit out him.

Good night.

A slap contest is always a good idea after drinking with your pals. Remember these dos and don'ts

- Do be sure to stage your empty cases behind you to break your fall
- Don't slap contest with a guy 75 pounds heavier than you.
- Do check to make sure your back swing is clear.
- Don't let the other guy go first (especially if you're a glass-jawed pussy). At least this guy got his lick in.

Not a slap contest, but it's just oh so right.

Remarkably similar to the last Slayer show I went to (except everyone was was white and had prison tats)

1:48 into the video: What the fuck is going on there?

Sack Tapping - still good clean fun

Watch G I Joe get his ballz nuked

Hey Tosh...

This guy needs a web redemption!

Ask Nutty v. Tosh.0

I am bored....really fucking bored.

I used to have hobbies...I don't do any of it any more. AND...there IS a finite amount of times you can whack it.

So...I am retiring 'Ask Nutty' as you know it. Face it...it wasn't going anywhere.

BUT! I am creating 'Ask Nutty version Tosh.0'!!! What's that you ask? Well, it's like this. Daniel Tosh has a pretty decent thing going on Comedy Central. It makes me laugh...which is rare. Anyway, I figure I can do that. I don't want to be him or a knock off of him. I just want to help him.

SO...I'm basically going to rape the premise of his show and do it on this blog until he recognizes me and gives me a job as a writer.

It'll probably take me a while to get up to speed. I may actually film some shit with my ass video camera. It could be a slow start. There is a promo contest I'll try to enter. We'll see. I'm thinking puke.

Holy shit!

WTF???????????????????

That is fucking crazy! How the hell do you even fix that? Oh, and by the way, everyone else who lives near that....sooner or later, the earth is going to collapse into that giant pit, 60-70 feet beneath you. Good luck selling that house. Holy shit!!!

They keep getting dumber...

Gee honey, isn't Yemen a terrorist country???

Nah...don't be silly sweet heart, it's a beautiful desert nation.

But aren't you afraid we'll be kidnapped ?

Kidnapped??? Of course not...we're American!

dumbass

BOOM!

I lived in W.Va. for a while. I can confirm this to be typical behavior.

Email to CNN

Dear CNN,

There are rumors all over the internet that Ronnie James Dio is dead. You, as the world news leader, need to act quickly to either confirm or dispel these rumors. Ronnie has been battling stomach cancer for a year or so. If it is true, and RJD is dead, I expect riots and lawlessness that will make the Rodney King LA riots, Wats, and Detroit riots combined look like a kindergarten christmas play. The dark master will have his revenge on planet earth!!! Cower in fear as his wrath will shower us in eternal agony and despair. If it turns out he's alive, I guess everything is o.k. then. Carry on reporting about insignificant minutia like New York SC nominees and oil and whatever.

Peace out bitches,

Nutty


This was posted on ronniejamesdio.com:

A Message From Wendy Dio 5/16/2010 2:51:50 PM
"Today my heart is broken, Ronnie passed away at 7:45am 16th May. Many, many friends and family were able to say their private good-byes before he peacefully passed away. Ronnie knew how much he was loved by all. We so appreciate the love and support that you have all ...

This bitch is a liar

Why were you alone in his apartment at age 16?
It was cock or coke....whore.

Obviously scarred by Polanski's man penis, here slut shows her naked body to the entire freaking world.

Meximelt can't figure out why US being mean to her

omg...(yawn), read about this wet crying about being deported

The american dream starts with being legal....dumb ass.

no title

zomg....sluts

Wish I had had a camera (then again...maybe not, wasn't worth a stint in the poke). Upon the completion of my dinner at a national sit down chain, I saw a gaggle of whored up hussies in the parking lot (from behind)...

4 and 5 inch heels (I swear one was wearing these shoes)......

...short, tight skirts...the works. Then one or two turned around and I had to turn away so fast I almost snapped my neck. They were young, super young. One of the others I ate with guessed them in the 12-15 y/o range. Are you kidding me???? What the fuck? Parents let their grade/high school girls go out like that???? There was a parent there too!

I'm not sure if I'm disgusted or feel ripped off. This is how girls dressed for a night out when I was 13....

I had to check....some of the skirts they sell at Wet Seal are shorter than the ones Fredrick's of Hollywood sells. Yeah...I think I got screwed.

Oh shit! They're on to us!!!

Incumbent Senators and Congressmen loosing seats left and right...guess they decided to actually do something for the people. It's a start. Fucking ass clowns.

I'd like to see England's coalition government succeed. Could start the end of this p.o.s., broke ass system we currently have.

Bus ticket to L.A., $85. Meetng a friend who can get you 'Into the business", priceless.

Here's some fucking boo hoos from a teenage girl on FB (rofl)...

♥
Someone should sue Disney for putting the idea in little girls minds that everyone has a prince charming and everything will end happily ever after
♥

I wish i never met you, then there be no reason for these tears.

Should have listened and never fell back in love, biggest mistake everr.

Someday my daughter will be 18. If I hear this shit come out of her mouth, I'll buy her the ticket myself.

This kid's father is a douche.

13-Year-Old Attempts Mount Everest Record

Mountain climbers are notorious egotists. You can smell the asshole this kid is going to turn out to be when he says "we're climbing for the right reason." Really? What is the right reason to risk your kid's life on the deadliest mountain in the world? I hope they both die.

Viewer Mail

This guy is a choad, but I endorse his product:

since your site usually features pics of retards in wrestling masks, i thought i would change it up.


129171329042762924.jpg


p.s.

fuck off

Jizz Mop of the Month for May

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The Forest of Feelings

So I was watching some Care Bears with my wife and daughter. My wife thought it would be good if they did remakes of Care Bears stuff. I agreed and said that it was high time they took on the tough issues, suggesting their first feature be titled, "It's OK if both your parents are men". She kinda laughed, then I started singing this ad lib:

In the forest of feelings
you can touch your feelings
but don't tell anyone I touched them

It'll just be a secret
our little secret
please do not tell Christopher Hanson

I lost her about there.

Tough break Rolando

Ha ha!

Come on man...

What the fuck L.T. ? Are telling me that the guy that fucked up Theisman's leg can't just go pick up a skank in a bar?

Why do all my heroes have to go and fuck 16 year old prostitutes?

Don't answer that.

Style points

Ha ha! (<--- click for story)

Cheers!

Cheers to my friend B.C. who pointed out that restaurants with paper towels in the men's room often have a clogged shitter. What the fuck? Why throw that stuff in the can?

Double cheers to another friends' son, just 16 or 17, for manning up when finding the shitter was clogged. He brazenly chose to shit in the ladies during the dinner hour. It wasn't just a oner either, it was multi-stall. You da man Harry. Cheers!

I haven't got shit to say any more.

For real.

Jizz Mop of the Month for April

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Alpaca of the Month

Some piece of shit killed an Alpaca in the Cincinnati area recently. Seriously, wtf.

Alpaca of the Month: Peruvian Kim

Alpaca haters must die.

Jizz Mop of the Month for March

Irish pussy...you know, for St. Pat's.

Miss March: Brittany O'Connell

Kylie Ireland would have been too obvious
She was busy anyway. Fuck off.

(I still miss Penny.)

Curling...I'm a fan...

...of team Switzerland....

....actually, just....

Want to make prick-cicle:

Guess she's done some modeling. Will pray for nudes.

Dead Boner

I had hoped for more out of a google search for this title. Oh well...so long Boner, r.i.p.

b0ng

Nothing new here...just makes me laugh.

Look out sucker!

A "friend of mine" finds himself in a conundrum. His wife approached him as follows:

"I'm reading a book called 'Love Dare' and I need to ask you a question."

Stop right there.

Wooooaaaaah! WTF?

http://memegenerator.net/149426/Ware-tight-jeans-fuck-women

It was a slow load, here are some examples (but there's fucking pages and pages):




I'm an now prepared to say there are things in this world I don't understand.

http://memegenerator.net/

http://memegenerator.net/Joseph-Ducreux wiki Ducreux

http://meme.boxofjunk.ws/
this one gave me: "FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER OR GTFO"

wiki meme

more

AHA! wiki internet meme

classic...



These people are apparently keeping track of it all: http://knowyourmeme.com/

This explains a lot.

Come on...Animal Panet? Really???

I've told this story before, probably too many times. Back in the day when music still mattered, I'd tell anyone who would listen. No one really did. This was too obscure for most. Anyway...I thought all that was over, now a new twist.

I used to think this guy was a god:

Steve Albini

Founder of the band Big Black. The band was beyond cool. They were the noisiest, angriest, most socially relevant band to come out of the Chicago, post-punk (Touch & Go Records, etc.) era. Nobody around here knew who they were. They were low-fi, d.i.y. 20 years before it was cool. They credited their drum machine, Roland, as an artist on their albums (that's right...albums).

Big Black: Durango, Albini & Riley

Here's where I lose most people I guess. Looking back, I guess it was some kind of man crush, but whatever. In the early days of email, I somehow located an address for him. (Well I think I did at least. I never actually was sure it was him.) I sent some kind of fan mail with a few questions that were vitally important to me. He sent back some horses ass answer denying he was who I was looking for (I still have the email somewhere, I need to find it). It really rubbed me the wrong way and started the hate. I think there are 4 events that ruined music for me. This, working on Lolapalooza in 1993 (Primus headline year), Cobain killing himself and then the last great hope, At The Drive-In breaking up. Sadly, and this applies to any star, if you want them to remain idolic, never speak to them or try to break the barrier of star/fan in any way. They'll only disappoint.

So, by the time this was going on, Big Black had long since broken up. Periodically, I would see Albini working on this CD or that CD. He'd say something pompous in an interview or put out a new (and utterly shitty) record with his new band Shellac and my hate would be refreshed. I actually went and saw them. Here's my ticket:

(B.C. - If you should happen to be reading this, don't get the wrong idea. I totally appreciated the ticket. Fugazi was good. You're the man. Thank you.)

So here's the pay off. Years have gone by without me so much as thinking twice about the douche (it's fair...he said Bush was the best band he'd ever worked with). Anyway, I'm half asleep on the couch as my wife is watching Animal Planet: Dogs 101 and who's fucking mug pops up? Fucking Albini. (segment starts at 29:27, Albini the choat chuffer starts talking at 30:48) I almost fell out of my fucking seat. The narrator calls Shellac a "popular indie rock group" that's "HUGE" in the math rock scene. What???????????? Unbelievable.

So the connector is that the dickbags in Shellac had a CD released in 2007 called "Excellent Italian Greyhound" and their gay drummer has an Italian Greyhound. (see cover)

I remember the show at the Congress. Dude was horrible. He had a fucking gong and I don't think he ever hit it. Why the fuck did you bring it? I guess he thought he looked all Led Zep drumming in front of a gong. Anyway, fuck stick and bass player split at some point, leaving homo the drummer alone on stage. He's got this cymbal on a stand about 6 feet in the air off to the side. All of sudden like, no warning, he just kinda stops playing and goes over to air cymbal, beats it a little bit, then pours water on it, and beats it some more. I guess he was trying to...well fuck, I dunno what the fuck he was trying to do, but it was fucking GAY. Seriously one of the worst shows I've ever seen. I mean, they had the house lights full on the whole time. It was like watching the Air Force Inspirational Band play at your high school gym. QWEEEEE-R!

So that's my story. I still hate Albini for that email and all the dumb shit he says. I wish he'd just go away. I take little comfort that he's cruising the channels of expanded cable now instead of the pages of Spin or Rolling Stone, cause that's where I'm at. Mother fucker is following me.

Fuck you Steve!

urbandictionary.com - helping old people understand

Heard some reference to "scene kids"...was totally lost. Thanks urbandictionary.com!

The funny thing is, I may have had an actual conversation with some teens about "scene" just a few days ago and forgot it already because I'm too old to remember shit (or maybe I just didn't give a fuck, I dunno). I'm not really sure if I did or didn't, but it seems familiar. I don't remember what I did this morning, and I sure as fuck don't remember what inspired the butt laser painting, so how the hell could I remember a conversation I had with some kids 2 whole days ago? How fortunate I ran across it again.

A doctor told me I have narcolepsy, but I've never had that verified. Maybe that's the problem. Check out Rusty and Skeeter. I remember seeing this documentary on PBS when I was a kid about narcoleptic dogs. It was fucking awesome. Dog after dog, big ones too, eating dirt in mid run. Good shit, wish I could find it on the webs.

p.s. I'd (?) Deborah Norville's (?) any day. I got nothin' today.

I hate blogs

I always said that.

If this ------> GAY <-------- is where I'm going to end up...then I was right, and should quit now..

yah bitch...

Mardi Gras

Fail

uhhh...

Win!

CUNT!

Every now and again I see or hear a piece written by a woman who is obviously a cunt.

Here's one (text): hear the cunt! tell her cunt! story live and in the cunt! (audio)

I guarantee that at some point in her family life she has complained about not enough family dinners or not spending enough quality time together.

Oh yeah...the Archie Bowl is today.

Smart money is Saints with the points.

In case you don't know...Archie is Peyton's daddy and probably the most famous player in Saints history...so, that makes it the Archie Bowl. Go fuck yourself.

it's only the 7th? wtf...I'm early.

Miss February: Riley Shy

She's a nasty little ho.

A redhead was the best I could do for Valentine's Day

(I will miss Penny.)

Regrets

I'm not knockin' this but...

I'd love a real explanation as to why cartoon pr0n works.

And why does Lois make good subject matter? Mrs. Incredible is aight too.

I must just be a milf lover.

Haitians to blame for earthquake

In a stunning revalation of historical fact, Pat Robertson declared that:

"And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal.

And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other."

watch the video

I love how he pauses ever so briefly to affirm the veracity of the tale.

This line of thinking is brilliant. It's infallible. I can't argue with it, can't disprove it, it must be true.

I'm so fucking on board Pat!

Other Pat'isms that explain disaster (as reported by CBS). It's a little hard to navigate, a list would have been better.

I dreamt I had 2 peni

One (the top one) was longer and thinner. Both were larger than my actual member. It's is very small, like a baby's.

The interwebs are remarkable short of explanations:

- If dreamt had two penises or more means he will have a child and a good fame too.

- It could mean 3 things
1) You are unhappy about your sex life and you wish you have double the sex drive.
Or
2) You have 2 gf and you have problem satisfying both of them.
Or
3) You forgotten to put on glasses in your dream and mistaken the 2 leftover hotdogs as your penis.

I don't wear glasses, but clearly the last one is correct.

omg! it's real!

I had heard this was just some trumped up rumor, but CNN says it's real (imdb.com too!):

'Clash of the Titans,' (Louis Leterrier)

Starring: San Worthington, Liam Neeson, Gemma Arterton and Ralph Fiennes

The Scoop: Almost 20 years after the first fantasy film, Perseus, mortal son of Greek god Zeus, is back to take on Medusa and the Kraken to stop their evil from spreading to earth and the heavens.

Genre: Action/Epic

Liam Neeson as Zeus! Could be a career ender, but fuck it, he says it!

RELEASE THE KRAKEN BITCHES!!! there's a trailer GET SOME!

Lest ye forget the splendor: